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wimmin.... - Chris
2005-03-15
yesterday, my epileptic friend Marcos got into trouble with his girlfriend.
she was all yelling at him, because he never cleans up after himself...
she said he doesn't respect her and he treats her like garbage...
she even said he doesn't 'do it' for her sexually....
Marcos was all "whatevs".....he figures it must be that time of the month...
also, maybe from when he shot at her mom with that crossbow....
but c'mon, 'AT'......he never actually got her.....
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new years resolution... - Chris
2005-03-02
my epileptic friend Marcos was doing this new years resolution thing
where he wasn't allowed to eat any chips for three months.
a couple days ago i walked into his house and found him kneeling on the floor,
his broken computer smashed about him in a thousand pieces
,gnashing on a piece of plastic hardware, his gums bleeding as they cut
against so much wire and microchippery.
"sweet merciful christ! what are you doing?" i screamed.
his bloody lips curled into a smile as he sung "don't worry man, these have
0 grams trans fat"
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winter doldrums... - Chris
2005-02-20
me and my epileptic friend Marcos were chilling out in front of the 7-11 this morning.
you could tell it was cold by the way our breath crystalized and floated away like puffs of smoke.
also, in the way the trees were coated with a fine layer of shimmering frost.
oh yeah, and also by the way Marcos nose had turned black with frostbite.
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tha big city..... - Chris
2005-01-23
everyone is in such a rush....
for instance, me and my epileptic friend Marcos were running to catch the bus the other day, and he suddenly grabbed my arm....
"quick" he said "we have to hurry to the fast clinic for speed addicts"
so i rapidly relied "i'm moving as swiftly as i can", at which point we
briskly broke into a high-speed jog post-haste. we were rapidly moving along when Marcos abruptly tripped and fell headlong into a pile of running shoes....
oh yeah, did i mention that Marcos is retarded?
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the Only thing that stinks here is you..... - Chris
2004-11-28
DDooo DDaaa
doodle la da da
skittlee beeyop Dah!
be bittlee beyop BEEEEEEEEE
DDEEYOP!
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stupid students.... - Chris
2004-09-11
Me and my epileptic friend Marcos went walking through the University campus yesterday....
there were a bunch of hopeful young students, frollicking gayly through the ancient hallways and echoing passages....
you could sense the anticipation in the air, the excitement almost electric...
the sparkling eyes of passing students awakened a passion in me that had been sleeping dormant for years....
i felt my soul flare up and rise like a phoenix, my heart quickened, my eyes lit, and all that was dead to me before had been given new life...
then Marcos farted. that was pretty funny.
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nicholas, get thee back to hell!!! - Chris
2004-02-25
i was recently traumatized...
it's a hard thing to talk about...
it still wakes me up at night, in a puddle of sweat, shaking...
i saw....
i...saw...
I RECENTLY SAW NICHOLAS CAGE IN A MOVIE AND I REALLY ENJOYED HIS PERFORMANCE!!
NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
can you guess which movie?
...
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- Chris
2004-02-10
my epileptic friend Marcos asked me about life insurance yesterday
i said "have you been thinking about dying?"
then we both laughed
...
i'll kill that motherfucker yet....
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you want a RANT??! - Chris
2003-11-03
well, well, well,
it seems that a couple people have complained about the lack of rants lately.
i hope this will suffice:
me and my epileptic friend Marcos were walking down by the river the other
day, freezing our nads off. it had just snowed the night before. you could
see your breath. it was ten below zero.
then Marcos says "brrrr, it's cold"
thanks for that gem of information, you fuckin' genius.
so i pushed him in the river.
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WHAT THE FUCK??? - Chris
2003-08-17
i have just one question:
WHY THE FUCK DOES ANYONE NEED TO DRIVE A HUMMER?
thank you.
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OXYGEN =GOOD - Chris
2003-06-30
The other day, me and my epileptic friend Marcos were trying to rid ourselves of a couple of nasty hangovers.
Hangovers, no doubt, caused by the night before.
Marcos said that when he's hungover, he takes really deep breaths.
I figured that since breathing gets oxygen to the brain, and oxygen is what keeps us alive, this deep-breathing system would do the trick.
And right before I passed out, Marcos said something like..."denoting gravity, i eat plum rinds...", or something.
i can't remember...
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ahhh...sweet relief - Chris
2003-06-08
as some of you may know, i broke my hand...
for those of you who have never broken a limb, i will now try to compare it to something equally as painful...
it's like when you're walking down a lonely country road by yourself, and suddenly your epileptic friend Marcos drives up on a motocross bike.
he knocks you down with the bike, then proceeds to place the back tire on your face, accelerating it all the while.
he continues this assault until all that is left of your once pristine face is a bloody heap of skin, muscle, and fused pieces of cartilege and bone marrow.
just like on pet semetary part two.
that movie sucked ass
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Summer jobs - Chris
2003-05-08
Me and my epileptic friend Marcos were working at our summer job, cutting tails off of dead gophers, and he starts freaking out about money.
he's all "i better make enough money for my operation this summer..."
so i go "man, we get, like, 40 cents per tail here............after about, like, 500 tails, you're sorted....."
so he's all "oh, totally! thanks man...."
i mean, how much can an amputation really cost?
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HMMM.......SARS? - Chris
2003-04-30
SARS, eh?
372 deaths worldwide from Nov 1 2002 to Apr 30 2003.
AIDS
approximately 21 800 000 deaths worldwide since 1981.
the current war on Iraq
2615 reported civilian deaths
hmmmm.....SARS?
sure, it sucks, but.....i don't know....CHILL....
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summer fun!!! - Chris
2003-04-18
yesterday, me and my epileptic friend marcos went biking down by the river.
someone had left this giant industrial fan, just sitting there on the grass, next to a power box.
and right when we plugged it in, this school of ducklings started walking by and one of them got sucked in the fan.
i went to unplug it, but marcos goes "NO MAN. it's natures way..."
so we watched all the ducklings get sucked into the fan.
it was quite breathtaking, really.
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marcos my friend... - Chris
2003-04-09
with school just finishing, my epileptic friend marcos is helping me study.
he's all "no, that's not right! it goes like this"
all high and mighty and shit.
so the other day, just to mess with him, i started giving him a bunch of paper cuts.
and then i'm like "how do you like that, huh epileptic? how're you going to live now, huh?"
then mr.fucking smartypants goes "i'm epileptic, not a hemophiliac"
fucking smart ass.
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i wonder..... - Chris
2003-04-05
man, it must be sweet being gay.
going into a locker room is like a free strip joint!
lucky gay people....
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quit being so selfish..... - Chris
2003-03-28
i took my epileptic friend Marcos to a dance club the other night.
and he's all "i can't go in there, i'll have a fit", yadda yadda....
so i gave him a pair of sunglasses, you know, to subdue all the flashing lights.
and we're inside for not even five minutes, when he starts flailing his arms and frothing at the mouth and such.
so, of course, we had to leave.
what the hell was that all about anyways? talk about being selfish! i mean, he could of just asked nicely if we could leave. he didn't have to make such a scene.
it's people like him that make this world such a stupid, ignorant place.
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war is in fact hell..... - Chris
2003-03-25
yes friends, you heard me right.
war IS hell.
so I, in hopes of changing the world, have compiled a list of things that war is WORSE than. and these things are pretty bad.
maybe that idiot george w. bush will read them and stop the insanity.
the fuggin' hypocrite.
THE OFFICIAL "WAR IS EVEN WORSE THAN THESE THINGS" LIST
1. the rosie o'donnell show.
2. guys who sing along to christina aguilera.
3. people who say "i don't like radiohead, they're too depressing".
4. people in other cars who shake their head at you while driving.
5. when they only give you one ketchup packet at mcdonalds. I'VE GOT A LARGE FRY HERE, YOU MORON!!!
6. people who let their 3-year-old do their answering machine message. it's not cute, they sound like trolls with throat cancer.
7. people who brag about how much they can drink.
8. my ass after sitting and drawing a comic.
9. homophobes, racists and sexists. and also gay, portugese women.
10. trying to think of things for this list.
11. when you're walking your dog and it shits on someones lawn, and you don't have anything to pick it up with so you walk away. and of course the person saw the whole thing from their front window.
12. girls who say "ohmigod, it was SO funny!!" and it's really not that funny at all.
13. bathing regularily.
14. jumping on a trampoline and getting double-bounced into the springs. man, do you look like an idiot, flailing your arms and such.
15. wise-cracking hyenas....think they're so goddamn smart.....
16. artists who want to "explore" the "idea" of something....gawd, how pretentious are you?....
17. nicholas cage.
18. meeting someone for the first time and then forgetting their name three seconds later. and of course, you start seeing them everywhere.
19. "dah, graffiti ain't art...dah..."
20. and finally.......people who root through garbages for empty popcans and then look at you weird when you're shoving spoonfuls of grease from the burger king grease bins into your mouth. like they've never tried it, the recycling pieces of shit.....
so, if war is worse than these things, you understand why it is HELL.
(still, nicholas cage is fucking unbearable....)
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